It’s 12:30 AM and I’m finally getting to this, out of all the things I should be doing and am not.. My stomach hurts, and it’s probably not just the eggs benedict from Perkins (delicious but ugh). It’s hard to get past this feeling of anxiety. My dad would say that lack of sleep has alot to do with it – you right, pops. I cant believe it was so hard to admit to myself that I’m nervous about this trip, but I figure that it’s because I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ve been more organized and am probably more prepared for this trip than for any other one in my life – physically.
Mentally, I’m in turmoil because I know that this will be a life-changing couple of weeks, but I simply can’t tell how they will change me. I’ve been telling myself that I’m ready for that, that I can keep an open mind to it and go in with no expectations. I’ve thought that’s how I’ve approached most things in life – but truth is, this time the Unknowns are driving me crazy. My friends (s/o Alex especially, if you’re reading this) have been joking with me about “not getting blown up” and such, and as much as I laugh and pretend that I’m above stereotypes, can I help it if there’s a little part of me that’s terrified of all these possibilities and just wants to stay home with mommy?
Well, I love you, Mom, and you know that’s part of the reason I’m boarding this plane tomorrow. Above all I hope to learn from this trip. I hope to see another side of the world and meet the people there. I hope to deepen, even just a little bit, my understanding of this age old conflict by learning more about both the Israeli and Palestinian perspectives. I hope to have fun and see cool shit. I hope to draw both parallels and distinctions between Western culture and Arabic culture. I hope to better understand religion and the relationship of Humanity with God, by spending a small amount of time in the Holy Land. Most of all I hope to bring a little piece of this experience back to the US and help broaden understanding.
Given the context of the current political turmoil, I rationally can’t let myself be afraid – the area probably will not break into violence right now, and Max and Jane are knowledgeable guides, who know where and where not to go. It will be really interesting to learn about and (to a very small extent as I can, to be sure) participate in the region’s political discourse.
If you’re still reading, thank you and here’s a treat (hope it wasn’t too boring, expect more interesting things soon!)
If there’s one way to sum up how I feel right now, these lyrics certainly do it:
“There’s no turning back, there’s no second chance I’ve already got both feet through the door! And I can taste the air… I can taste the air!”
Shoutout to anyone who recognizes those without google, especially if you’re from Racine, WI (ya’llknowhoyouare). Cheesy but they’re definitely the only band that is helping me with these crazy feelings right now.
Oh and Steph, if you’re reading, you were right..